The Only Shame Is Acting Badly: Stoicism vs. What People Will Think
Introduction
Plutarch recounts that Cato the Younger, the Roman senator whom the Stoics took as a role model, had a strange habit. He would walk out into the street wearing a dark tunic, without the clothing expected of someone of his rank, and sometimes barefoot. He did not do it out of poverty or carelessness. He did it, according to his biographer, to train himself to be ashamed only of what is truly shameful, and to disregard everything else.
It is a radical practice, yet it targets a very modern problem. Much of the shame people feel every day has nothing to do with having acted badly. It has to do with not fitting in: with the expected body, the expected salary, or the group's customs.
Useful shame warns you that you did something wrong. The other kind only warns you that you are different.
This article proposes using the Stoic lens to separate those two kinds of shame—and to stop paying the price of the second.
Two Types of Shame
Shame is a social emotion: it appears when we feel others might judge us negatively. Like any emotion, it pays to examine its source. When we do, two broad cases emerge:
Shame for acting badly. You lied, treated someone poorly, broke a commitment. Here shame makes sense: it is the signal that you acted against your values. Well used, it leads to remorse and making amends. The blog covers this case in the article on guilt.
Shame over imaginary transgressions. Being overweight, earning little, living in a modest neighborhood, not owning a car, having an accent, being shyer than everyone else. Here there is no moral failing. What exists is the often unconscious feeling of breaking a group norm.
For the Stoics, the second type of shame rests on an error of judgment: treating indifferent things as bad. Body, money, or status do not make a person good or bad. A person's worth is measured by how they act.
Body Shame
One of the areas where imaginary shame weighs heaviest is the body. Many people feel ashamed because they do not meet a standard of physical attractiveness that, in practice, is arbitrary and shifts with fashion.
The Stoic perspective does not say you should neglect your body. Health and strength are preferred indifferents: it is reasonable to pursue them. What it says is that the body does not define the person. And it proposes a shift in motivation: taking care of yourself because of what your body does, not out of shame over what others think.
Marcos Vázquez, in Invicto, suggests an exercise in bodily gratitude: noticing what your body does every day without asking for anything in return. Maybe your legs are not the most attractive, but they carry you everywhere. Someone who learns to appreciate their body is usually more motivated to take care of it than someone who looks at it with contempt.
Marcus Aurelius's Paradox
In one of his sharpest notes, Marcus Aurelius marvels at a human contradiction: everyone loves themselves more than anyone else, yet values other people's opinions of them more than their own.
That observation disarms much of social shame. If your own judgment of your actions is the most informed (you know your intentions, your efforts, your circumstances), why let it be replaced by that of someone who only sees the surface?
Furthermore, other people's opinions are not under your control. You can act well, be kind, and do good work, and someone will still think poorly of you. For the Stoics, that is an indifferent: you did not choose it and it does not define you.
Shame for Doing the Right Thing
There is a particularly frustrating form of shame: the kind felt for doing the right thing when the opposite is normal. In a world where bad habits are normalized, someone who takes care of themselves can stand out as the odd one: the person who skips sugary drinks at lunch, who leaves the party early to train the next morning, who doesn't laugh at a cruel joke.
Epictetus anticipated this situation. In the Enchiridion, he warns that anyone who decides to live according to philosophy must be prepared to be mocked and hear people say they suddenly think they're a philosopher. His advice is not to respond with arrogance, but to hold firm to what seems best without making a show of it. If you persevere, he says, the very people who mocked you will end up admiring you.
The Stoics disdained conformity. One's actions should be guided by virtue, not by group conventions. This does not mean being contrarian for the sake of it, but refusing to abandon what you consider right simply because it is uncommon.
A Cato-Style Exposure Exercise
You do not need to walk barefoot down the street. But Cato's intuition aligns with something psychology knows well: imaginary shame shrinks when you gradually expose yourself to the situations that trigger it and verify that nothing terrible happens.
Some ideas to practice, one per week:
- Order something at a restaurant that is different from what the rest of the group orders, without giving explanations.
- Say "I don't know" in a meeting when you don't know something.
- Wear a comfortable piece of clothing in public that is considered unfashionable.
- Tell someone you trust about something you feel ashamed of for no real reason.
After each exposure, write down what you feared would happen and what actually happened. The gap between the two is usually wide.
Common Mistakes
- Confusing shamelessness with disrespect. Stoicism does not license offending others; consideration for other people is part of justice.
- Suppressing useful shame as well. If you did something wrong, shame carries a message worth listening to.
- Making a spectacle of being different. Epictetus called for steadiness, not showmanship.
- Exposing yourself all at once to the hardest thing. Exposure works best in small, increasing doses.
Conclusion
The Stoic question in the face of shame is simple: did I do something wrong? If the answer is yes, it is time to make amends. If it is no, shame is defending a norm that does not deserve your obedience. This week, every time you feel embarrassed or ashamed, write down in one line what triggered it and answer that question. Also pick one of the exposures from the list and do it before Sunday. You don't need Cato's tunic—just one small act that confirms your worth does not depend on what people will say.
References
- Plutarch. Life of Cato the Younger, 6.
- Epictetus. Enchiridion, 22 and 48.
- Marcus Aurelius. Meditations, XII.4.
- Tangney, J. P., Stuewig, J., & Mashek, D. J. (2007). Moral emotions and moral behavior. Annual Review of Psychology, 58, 345-372.
- Vázquez, M. (2019). Invicto: Logra más. Sufre menos. Fitness Revolucionario.