The Tyranny of the "Shoulds": How to Turn Demands into Preferences
Introduction
"I should be able to handle everything." "My partner should figure it out without me asking." "At my age I should already own a home." "The world should be fair." These sentences pass almost unnoticed, yet they carry a large share of everyday distress: guilt over falling short, resentment toward others, frustration with life.
In the mid-twentieth century, psychoanalyst Karen Horney called them "the tyranny of the should." Albert Ellis, one of the founders of cognitive therapy, placed them at the center of his work: for him, a large share of emotional disorders came from turning reasonable desires into absolute demands.
Epictetus had said it long before in a line from the Enchiridion: do not demand that things happen as you wish, but wish that they happen as they do happen, and you will go on well.
A frustrated desire produces disappointment. A frustrated demand produces rage, guilt, or despair.
This article explains why rigid "shoulds" do so much harm, how to spot them, and how to replace them with preferences without giving up responsibility.
Three Directions of "Should"
"Shoulds" point in three directions, and each one produces a distinct kind of distress:
| Direction | Examples | What it usually produces |
|---|---|---|
| Toward yourself | "I should always perform at my best," "I shouldn't make mistakes," "I have to lose weight before summer" | Guilt, exhausting self-pressure, a sense of failure |
| Toward others | "My family should support me in everything," "they should appreciate what I do," "my boss should recognize my effort" | Resentment, conflict, constant disappointment |
| Toward the world | "Life should be fair," "there shouldn't be this much traffic," "finding a good job should be easy" | Low frustration tolerance, feeling like a victim |
Why a Demand Hurts More Than a Desire
The difference between "I would like" and "it should" looks like a mere choice of words, but it changes the emotion.
If I would like my partner to remember our anniversary and they forget, I feel disappointment: a proportionate emotion that passes. If my partner should remember it, their forgetfulness becomes a fault, almost an offense, and disappointment turns into anger or a wound.
The same thing happens with yourself. If I would like not to make mistakes and I make one, it bothers me and I look to fix it. If I should never make mistakes, every error is proof that I am worth less.
Ellis observed that demands also carry a typical add-on: "and if it doesn't happen, it's awful and I can't stand it." That add-on is what turns a setback into a catastrophe.
What Epictetus Says
The dichotomy of control offers a clear way to review our "shoulds." What is up to us are our own actions and judgments; what is not up to us includes other people's behavior and how the world runs.
Demanding that others act a certain way is demanding something you do not control, which guarantees frustration. Demanding that the world be fair is the same thing on a larger scale. Epictetus did not ask us to stop wishing things were better; he asked us not to make our peace of mind conditional on their being so.
Marcus Aurelius puts it in an image: being surprised that people act according to their character is like being surprised that a fig tree produces figs. Anyone who expects the world to work differently will live in a state of indignation.
From Demand to Preference
The core exercise consists of spotting "should," "have to," and "need to" and translating them into preferences:
| Demand | Preference |
|---|---|
| "I should be able to handle everything" | "I'd like to handle a lot, and when I can't, I'll ask for help" |
| "My family should support me" | "I'd prefer that my family supported me; if they don't, I'll look for support in other people" |
| "I have to lose twenty pounds before summer" | "I want to improve my diet and training; we'll see about the pace" |
| "The world should be fair" | "I'd wish for a fairer world, and I'm going to contribute to that where I can" |
| "There shouldn't be this much traffic" | "I'd prefer there were no traffic; since there is, I'll leave earlier or listen to something useful" |
Preference is not resignation. It preserves the desire and, very often, the action. What it removes is the condition that if it isn't met, everything is ruined.
Responsibility Still Stands
There is a reasonable objection: don't you become complacent if you stop making demands on yourself? The Stoic answer is no. The Stoics were very demanding with their own actions; what they did not do was confuse high standards with self-condemnation.
You can hold a high standard ("I want to do good work") without the trap of the absolute ("I must never make a mistake"). In fact, flexibility usually helps sustain effort: someone who doesn't punish themselves for every mistake tries again more easily.
And when it comes to others, turning a demand into a preference does not mean accepting mistreatment. You can prefer to be treated with respect and, at the same time, set clear boundaries when that doesn't happen. The difference is that the boundary is set calmly, not out of indignation.
How to Spot Them
Rigid "shoulds" usually leave clues:
- Words: should, must, have to, need to, I can't allow, it's unacceptable.
- Disproportionate emotions: intense anger over something minor, guilt over something that wasn't up to you.
- Comparisons: "at my age I should already…", "other people manage to…".
- A constant sense of injustice: the feeling that the world owes you something.
Common Mistakes
- Changing only the words. Saying "I'd prefer" while thinking "it should" changes nothing. The shift is in the expectation.
- Confusing preference with indifference. You can prefer something strongly and work hard for it.
- Eliminating every "must." Real duties exist: caring for a child, honoring a contract, doing no harm. The review targets rigid demands, not responsibilities.
- Using it to excuse mistreatment. That the other person doesn't have to treat you well does not mean you have to tolerate being treated badly.
Conclusion
Rigid "shoulds" turn every desire into a demand and every setback into an offense. Epictetus and Ellis, two thousand years apart, proposed the same thing: wanting without demanding. This week, jot down every "should," "have to," or "need to" you catch yourself saying or thinking. At the end of the day, pick the three that weighed on you most and rewrite them as preferences, adding what is up to you. Notice whether the emotion that goes with them shifts.
References
- Epictetus. Enchiridion, 1 and 8.
- Marcus Aurelius. Meditations, VIII.15.
- Horney, K. (1950). Neurosis and Human Growth: The Struggle Toward Self-Realization. W. W. Norton.
- Ellis, A. (1962). Reason and Emotion in Psychotherapy. Lyle Stuart.
- Burns, D. D. (1980). Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. William Morrow.
- Vázquez, M. (2019). Invicto: Logra más. Sufre menos. Fitness Revolucionario.