I Feel Lonely: 10 Keys for Overcoming Loneliness
Introduction
"If you feel lonely when you're alone, you're in bad company." — Jean-Paul Sartre
Alone. Ignored. Misunderstood. Loneliness can arrive through a heartbreak, a loss or a disappointment, but sometimes it appears with no clear cause: a sense of being disconnected from the world, as if you mattered to nobody.
It's paradoxical. Today we're more connected than ever and, at the same time, more isolated. It's perfectly possible to have a thousand contacts on social media and not one single person to call for a drink in the evening. The good news is that psychology offers concrete tools for breaking those chains. Here they are.
What loneliness is (and why it hurts so much)
Two things are worth distinguishing. Being alone is a circumstance: not having company for a while. Feeling lonely is something very different, and it doesn't depend on the number of friends you have or whether you're in a relationship, but on how you feel about your relationships.
Why does it depress us so much? Because of our evolution. We're social animals, and for our ancestors being isolated from the group drastically reduced the odds of survival. Feeling lonely works like an ancient alarm warning of a danger that no longer exists today, but which still triggers the same state of alert. That's why, instead of pushing us to go out, fear usually does the opposite. Research such as that of psychologist John Cacioppo showed that chronic loneliness affects physical and mental health, and large meta-analyses (Holt-Lunstad and colleagues) have found that poor social relationships carry a mortality risk comparable to factors like smoking or obesity.
You aren't as alone as you think
It's estimated that around 1 in 10 people feel lonely, and the proportion grows a great deal among older adults. All of us — including the people who seem most sociable — have been there. Think, for example, of the typical popular kid at school, always surrounded by friends: it isn't unusual for them, in confidence, to admit that sometimes they feel unbearably lonely and don't dare say so for fear of breaking their image. People's insides hide many surprises: you can be very close to someone and still feel very far away.
Feeling lonely isn't the same as being alone
Chosen solitude can be good: in it the brain recovers attention, creativity and productivity. What does damage is feeling lonely, and that depends on two things. The first is your expectations: the gap between the relationships you have and the ones you'd like to have. The second is how you interpret that feeling. If you tell yourself it's something terrible and permanent, you become depressed; if you read it as an opportunity to reflect and get to know yourself, it doesn't affect you the same way. Since these emotions arise from thoughts, you have the power to change them.
10 psychological keys for overcoming loneliness
1. Identify the cause
You wouldn't take a medicine without knowing your illness. The first mistake is looking for a solution before finding the problem. And note: the cause isn't "I feel lonely because I don't have a partner", but why not having a partner makes you feel lonely. Ask yourself "why?" a couple of times until you get to the bottom (perhaps you believe that at your age you "should" be married, or you value yourself poorly). Being honest with yourself is uncomfortable, but essential for finding a direction.
2. Accept your feelings, don't fight them
The more you resist a thought, the stronger it gets (try not thinking about a white polar bear). By contrast, the more room you give it, the sooner it leaves. Simply acknowledge how you feel: "thinking that I have nobody to talk to makes me feel lonely". You can even receive it like a tiresome visitor: "hello, loneliness, I see you're back", and welcome it until it goes.
3. Tell someone how you feel
Face to face, not on internet forums. Think of someone you feel comfortable with and call them, even if you haven't spoken in a while. You may fear they'll play it down, but most likely they'll empathize, because we've all felt lost at some point. Being open brings people together; hiding what you feel is what creates distance.
4. Meditate 15 minutes a day
A Carnegie Mellon University study led by David Creswell (2012) found that a mindfulness program reduced participants' sense of loneliness (and even associated inflammation markers). You don't need courses: get comfortable, close your eyes and focus your attention on your breathing; when your mind wanders, return to it without judging yourself. With meditation you can't "fail".
5. Stop reading self-help compulsively
Imagine your self-esteem is a diamond you want to keep permanently clean, but there's constant dust in the house. If you spend the day polishing it, you have no time left to make friends or to live. Sometimes we wait to have "perfect" self-esteem before daring to do anything, and that's why we do nothing. It's better to go out and live accepting that the diamond will sometimes be dusty.
6. Do 30 minutes of exercise
Mind and body go together. Half an hour of exercise, three days a week, is enough to start changing your mood thanks to the release of endorphins. It won't eliminate the cause of your loneliness, but it will relieve its symptoms. If you can't manage the other keys, start with this one.
7. Connect with people through events and meetups
Interacting with others reminds you that you aren't alone in the universe. Event platforms and interest groups (for cycling, discussing books, hiking) bring together many people who also come alone. If going feels daunting, try a psychological trick: frame it as a game by stepping into another character — for example, someone in public relations whose mission is to find out whether people are enjoying themselves.
8. Do something for others, however small
In a well-known experiment by Elizabeth Dunn and her team (2008), people given money to spend on others ended up happier than those who spent it on themselves, and curiously the amount didn't matter: what counted was giving, not how much. Helping is one of the best ways to relieve loneliness, because it's very hard to feel lonely while you're accompanying someone who needs it.
9. Travel alone so as not to feel alone
It sounds like a contradiction, but it works. Traveling with company can be lonelier, because it obliges you to interact only with your group. When you travel alone, people are more predisposed to talk to you: you stop being a closed group and become a curious traveler. In shared accommodation it's common to meet other people in the same situation within minutes.
10. Adopt a dog
A dog adds routine to your life (you can no longer stay in bed all day: it has to be walked), makes conversations with other people easier and improves your mood. It has been observed that petting an animal for a while helps release serotonin and oxytocin. And if you adopt, you'll also be saving a life.
Conclusion
It's normal to feel lonely from time to time; it happens to everyone, even to those who seem most sociable. Don't reject that feeling or force yourself to be constantly cheerful: you're also entitled to sadness, and that pause can give you momentum. But don't let it drag on too long. Learn to live with it without resisting — no feeling lasts forever — and, when it eases, lay the first stone so it doesn't return: go out, move, create routines and connect with new people. Your circle of loneliness is as small as you want it to be.
References
- Cacioppo, J. T., & Patrick, W. (2008). Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection. Norton.
- Holt-Lunstad, J., et al. (2010). Social relationships and mortality risk: A meta-analytic review. PLoS Medicine, 7(7).
- Creswell, J. D., et al. (2012). Mindfulness-based stress reduction training reduces loneliness and pro-inflammatory gene expression in older adults. Brain, Behavior, and Immunity, 26(7).
- Dunn, E. W., Aknin, L. B., & Norton, M. I. (2008). Spending money on others promotes happiness. Science, 319(5870).