The Best Questions for Genuinely Getting to Know Someone
Introduction
Getting to know someone doesn't depend on accumulating facts ("what do you do?", "where do you live?"), but on reaching their passions, values and fears. That takes good questions: open ones (starting with what, which or how) and with a certain emotional charge. This article offers a selection of original questions for getting to know a partner, a friend or someone you've just met better, along with clues for interpreting the answers.
One piece of advice before you start: so it doesn't feel like an interrogation, answer them yourself too, every question you ask. That way the other person will feel they know you and more connection will be created. It's no minor detail: psychologist Arthur Aron showed that a progressive exchange of personal questions, answered by both people, could generate closeness between strangers in under an hour.
Light questions for breaking the ice
They serve to create a relaxed and fun atmosphere before going deeper:
- If you were a pizza topping, which would you be? It seems absurd, but in a speed-dating study it was among the best rated: it breaks the monotony and predisposes people to open up.
- What's your favorite word? Curiously we never think about it, even though words are what we use most. It gives clues about someone's cultural background and makes them think for a good while.
- What was your favorite cartoon? It evokes childhood and forgotten sensations; if you share it, the conversation becomes very warm.
- What state is your car trunk in? A messy trunk usually reflects a somewhat chaotic mind. It's more reliable than it sounds.
Questions for discovering their character
- What superpower would you like to have? One of the most revealing: the answer tends to be an extreme expression of the emotions that govern the person. Someone who chooses invisibility may be shy; someone who chooses to fly may value freedom; someone who wants to read minds may be distrustful after some betrayal.
- If you could only have one hobby, which would it be? Asking for just one (not a list) reveals whether they're sporty, sociable, competitive or passionate.
- How would you describe yourself in three adjectives? Many will answer generically; ask them to go deeper. It reveals not only how they are, but how they'd like to be.
- In what way do people who don't know you yet judge you wrongly? It shows which trait they dislike having attributed to them and how they wish they were seen.
- What motivation drives your life? Perhaps the most important on the list: money, recognition, family, solidarity? It explains how they make decisions.
Weightier questions (for when there's trust)
Save these for a moment of greater closeness, because they touch on personal ground:
- What would you like to change about the way you were raised? It prompts openness and reveals what they lacked in childhood.
- What's your greatest fear in life? It distinguishes between concrete fears (running out of money) and abstract ones (death, not finding meaning).
- What kind of relationship do you have with your parents? Momentous: we tend to treat our loved ones in very similar ways, so it anticipates how they relate in a couple.
- What's the most beautiful thing you've done for love? It reveals whether they're romantic or more pragmatic.
- If you wrote your life as a book, would people want to read it? It shows whether they're at ease with themselves or trapped in their comfort zone, and usually uncovers dreams and projects.
Questions for finishing on a high
- What would your slogan be? Difficult, but among those that give the most information about how someone is and how they'd like to be. Tell them they can think about it and answer another day: it's also an exercise in self-knowledge.
- What's the best question you've been asked or could be asked? It makes people reflect and reveals what they're most proud of or what they most want.
A warning about interpretation
These readings are indicative, not a psychological test. The same answer can mean different things depending on the person, and often what someone says reflects the ideal they'd like to embody, not what they really are. Use them to open conversation and create closeness, not to label. The real value isn't in the specific answer, but in the conversation that opens up afterward.
Conclusion
Good questions are the key to moving from surface chat to real connection. Asked with curiosity, answered by you too and without turning them into an interrogation, they let you get to know the other person's passions, values and fears. Choose a few, try them in your next conversation and discover how much can change when you stop asking about the obvious.
References
- Aron, A., et al. (1997). The experimental generation of interpersonal closeness: A procedure and some preliminary findings. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 23(4).
- Sprecher, S., et al. (2013). Taking turns: Reciprocal self-disclosure promotes liking. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 49(5).