How to take initiative in your social life

Introduction

"If you want something you've never had, you must be willing to do something you've never done." — James D. Houston

Enjoying and learning from life consists, to a large extent, of creating opportunities rather than waiting for them to appear. Having social initiative — daring to take the first step — is one of the most valuable attitudes for relationships, and curiously it's harder than other forms of courage: some people skydive without blinking and then tremble at the thought of talking to a stranger.

This article explains why we hold back, what's gained by taking the first step and which habits the people who take initiative share. (And congratulations: by reading this, you've already started taking it.)

Why we don't take the initiative

Initiative is the capacity to get ahead of others — by talking, acting or deciding — without waiting for instructions. Its main obstacle is anxiety, which appears when we anticipate future and unpredictable dangers. Since nobody can predict the consequences of an act they haven't yet performed, the mind fills that void by imagining the worst. These are the usual fears, almost all related to self-esteem:

Being rejected. The possibility of not being liked triggers an almost biological alarm. But if you don't expose yourself, are others rejecting you or are you rejecting yourself by not trying?
Having nothing to say. The fear of "going blank". Do you really have nothing interesting to contribute, or do only you believe that?
Making a fool of yourself. More than the embarrassment itself, what bothers us is the sense of losing control. Almost nobody likes being wrong, to the point of fearing rejection for not being perfect.
People speaking badly of you. By exposing yourself, accept that not everyone will like you. It's the unavoidable price of relating to others.
Being a bother. Assuming that talking to someone will inconvenience them is usually unfounded.

As you can see, almost all these brakes arise from how we value ourselves, not from reality.

Taking an active role has rewards that more than compensate for the effort:

A more positive image of yourself. Feeling capable of taking the first step makes you perceive yourself as freer, and that feeds a virtuous circle.
No longer waiting for others. You become an actor in your own film instead of merely letting things happen to you or not.
Generating positive emotions. Emotions are contagious: the most common response to a smile is another smile. By taking the initiative, you convey well-being and others tend to return it.
Getting others interested in you. Just as you like people taking an interest in you, showing genuine interest invites reciprocity and creates trust.
Facing your fears. The only way to reduce a fear is to expose yourself to it. The more you do, the smaller it becomes.
Learning from what goes wrong. Faced with a slight, you can suffer it or accept it and learn. Only the second option builds a better future.
Improving your communication. Practice is the best teacher: more exposure means more resources and more ease.

Remember: if you don't take the initiative, you won't be rejected and you won't make a fool of yourself, but nobody will get to know you or take an interest in you either. If you don't give people the chance, nobody will know what you have to offer.

5 habits of people who take the initiative

1. They use the context

They use the situation itself as an excuse to start. Someone who wants to talk to a person in a store might say: "I noticed you have good taste; which of these two do you think would suit me better?". The immediate surroundings always offer a natural pretext.

2. They turn their own fears to their advantage

Paradoxically, insecurity can work in your favor. Before asking for a raise, for example, you can acknowledge the nerves and turn them into a message of commitment: "I'll admit I'm a bit nervous, but that means this matters to me. I wanted to talk to you about…". Showing that you face difficult situations is usually valued.

3. They introduce themselves before being asked

Introducing yourself isn't only saying your name: it's making known who you are, what you do and what you like, communicating emotions rather than cold facts. Compare: "I'm María, I'm an architect and I live in Pamplona" with "I'm María and for two years now I've worked in architecture because I'm fascinated by watching buildings emerge from nothing". The second version reveals far more about the person.

4. They start conversations, even when nobody asks them to

The key is mastering both the art of asking and the art of offering information without being asked, because people often don't return the question (frequently because they don't know how to take initiative either). At a conference, for example: "Is this your first time here?" — "No, my second." — "Well, it's my first and I don't know anyone yet; by the way, what's your specialty?". Contributing your own information keeps the conversation alive.

5. They give sincere compliments

Nobody minds an honest compliment, and it's very unlikely anyone will react badly to one. Besides making the other person feel at ease, a compliment can open a conversation: "A latte, please. By the way, those glasses look great on you, where did you get them?".

Conclusion

You now know why taking the first step is hard, everything that's gained by doing it and five concrete tools for pulling it off. All that's left is to get moving and stop waiting for others to start. Initiative doesn't eliminate rejection or embarrassment, but it's the only door to the conversations, opportunities and relationships that otherwise would never happen.

How to take initiative in your social life