How to Express Your Feelings: 10 Psychological Keys
Introduction
Expressing how we feel isn't easy. Sometimes the internal pressure builds until you need to let it out, but when you finally speak, anger, shame or fear sabotage the message and the situation turns against you. The consequence is predictable: next time you keep it to yourself and, if someone asks how you are, you answer with a curt "fine".
There's no need to resign yourself. There's another way of expressing emotions that helps others put themselves in your shoes without generating misunderstandings or rejection. This article gathers the benefits of doing so, the most common mistakes and ten keys for pulling it off.
Why expressing your emotions is worth it
A good part of the anxiety we carry arises from a damaging belief: that it's better to bite your tongue. However, communicating what you feel well has three demonstrated effects:
- It lets others empathize with you. Emotions are contagious. A famous large-scale study on emotional contagion in social networks (Kramer, Guillory and Hancock, 2014) observed that the emotional tone of posts influenced that of contacts. When the other person knows how you feel, they connect with you.
- It reduces its effect on you. Naming an emotion out loud decreases the amygdala's response, which instantly lowers its intensity. Talking about what you feel, literally, makes it hurt less.
- It makes you more approachable and attractive. Expressing emotions demonstrates honesty and courage, and that generates connection.
How to identify what you feel
Before expressing you have to identify, and it isn't as obvious as it seems. In a culture that pushes us to hide our emotions ("don't be shy", "stop crying"), many of us end up repressing them and feeling bad without knowing exactly how or why. Two steps help:
1. Stop and look for the basic emotion. In a calm moment, close your eyes and identify which of the basic emotions corresponds to what you feel (sadness, joy, anger, disgust, fear, surprise). 2. Find the specific word. Instead of "fine", perhaps it's grateful or excited; instead of "bad", irritated, insecure or rejected. The more precise you are, the better you'll understand yourself, and that precision has been shown to improve mood.
The typical mistakes we all make
- Expressing a thought instead of a feeling. "I feel sadness" is an emotion; "I feel this sadness is going to kill me" is a thought. If you talk about thoughts, the other person can't empathize; if you talk about feelings, they can.
- Starting with "You make me feel". It looks like you're expressing an emotion, but you're really blaming the other person for it and denying your own responsibility. It's a guaranteed source of conflict.
- Trying to forget what you feel. Repressing emotions doesn't work: it has been observed to increase irritability and distress. Blocking them only makes them bigger.
- Exploding when you can't take any more. It's the natural destination of keeping quiet too long. Think of someone whose friend arrives late over and over: the first few times they smile and say it's fine, until one day they explode in fury. The friend is stunned, because they had never seen any sign of annoyance.
10 keys for expressing what you feel
1. Put yourself in the other person's place
Before speaking, imagine someone coming to tell you what you're about to say. How would you feel? That will help you formulate the message in a way the other person can understand.
2. Practice first with a positive feeling
Before difficult emotions, train with someone you trust by expressing something good: "I felt very supported when you stayed with me after everyone else had left". The formula is "I felt X when you Y".
3. Use emotional verbs
Verbs like feel, notice or sense can't be disputed, because they describe your inner state. If someone says "I got the job I wanted and I still feel empty", nobody can argue with them. Others: it makes me happy, it saddens me, it frightens me, it outrages me.
4. Explain the why of your emotion
Justifying how you feel brings the other person closer, because it shows you have reasons. Compare "I have no luck in relationships" with "I feel very frustrated when a relationship doesn't work out, because it gives me the sense that there's something wrong with me". The second version invites empathy.
5. Use the subjective perspective ("I" messages)
Introduce qualifiers that make the message subjective: "in my opinion", "I consider", "for me". "You treated me badly yesterday and I feel offended" invites defensiveness; "I consider that you treated me badly yesterday and that's why I feel offended" is more assertive, because nobody can dispute your view.
6. Say the other person's name
Hearing your own name activates the brain's reward area. Starting with your listener's name directs their attention toward you and predisposes them to accept what follows better.
7. Make sure they understand you
The language of emotions is subjective, so confirm: "I'm not sure I'm explaining myself well, can you tell me what you understood?". That way you avoid misunderstandings.
8. Use humor
For a serious subject that makes you uncomfortable, don't dramatize it. Humor lightens the vulnerability and keeps people from becoming defensive.
9. Ask them how they feel
In an emotionally charged conversation, we forget that the other person also wants to be heard. Asking how what you're saying makes them feel favors mutual empathy and reduces conflict.
10. Practice mentally
Visualizing yourself expressing your emotions step by step is a demonstrated motivator of change. In a quiet place, imagine the scene of someone behaving as you'd like to: for example, answering a colleague with "I've been feeling so-so lately, there are a couple of things that have me on edge". Rehearsing it will give you confidence for the real moment.
Conclusion
We're made to feel; the best way to live is to learn to relate to our emotions, not to avoid them. When we express them by exploding or blaming the other person, we increase the distress and the distance. Learning to communicate them assertively connects you with others and with yourself, reduces their negative impact and creates empathy. Try these ten keys and see the change for yourself.
References
- Kramer, A. D. I., Guillory, J. E., & Hancock, J. T. (2014). Experimental evidence of massive-scale emotional contagion through social networks. PNAS, 111(24).
- Lieberman, M. D., et al. (2007). Putting feelings into words. Psychological Science, 18(5).
- Rosenberg, M. B. (2003). Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. PuddleDancer Press.