10 Steps for Developing Your Emotional Intelligence
Introduction
During the nineties, emotional intelligence was presented almost as a superpower: whoever had it, it was said, connected with anyone, eliminated stress and read other people's body language like an open book. The reality is more nuanced. Emotional intelligence is important, but it isn't a cure-all. This article dismantles some myths and gathers ten research-backed steps for starting to improve it.
What emotional intelligence is
It can be understood as the capacity to manage your own emotions and those of others. From those two axes arise four broad components, popularized through the work of Peter Salovey, John Mayer and, above all, Daniel Goleman:
- Self-awareness: recognizing and identifying your emotions and their origin.
- Self-control: handling impulses and delaying immediate reward.
- Empathy: connecting with the emotions and motives of others.
- Social skills: relating to people, managing conflicts, communicating clearly and influencing.
Some authors add motivation. A dose of realism is in order: there are highly analytical jobs where excessive emotional sensitivity can be a distraction, and others — sales, healthcare, coaching — where reading and regulating emotions is essential. Emotional intelligence adds, but it doesn't replace the ability to reason.
Can it really be improved?
Yes, within certain limits. The capacity to manage emotions doesn't change overnight — upbringing, genetics and early experiences all play a part — but thanks to neural plasticity, the brain can learn at any age. Meta-analyses of well-designed training programs show notable average improvements in emotional and social competencies. Three warnings before you start:
- You need external feedback. We're poor judges of our own emotional intelligence; how we see ourselves usually differs from how others see us. Someone you trust who can give you an impartial reflection is essential.
- Choose your techniques well. The most effective ones are based on the cognitive-behavioral approach and on self-compassion.
- Be wary of empty affirmations. Repeating "I'm worth it" or "I'm the best" to yourself is usually counterproductive and can feed narcissism.
The 10 steps
1. Detect the emotion behind your actions
Almost all of us live somewhat disconnected from our emotions. When something makes you react, pause for a second, identify the emotion underneath and look for its origin. At first it will be hard; you aren't trained. With practice, the answers start to appear.
2. Widen your emotional vocabulary
From a few basic emotions — joy, sadness, anger and fear — all the others are born. But don't stop there. Instead of "I'm sad", be precise: disappointed, melancholy, hurt? The richer your emotional vocabulary, the better you understand what's happening to you; not mastering that language leaves the sense of "I don't know what's wrong with me".
3. Don't be fooled by appearances
One emotion usually triggers others, and it's easy to confuse the surface one with the underlying one. Think of someone who feels betrayed on discovering that a good friend didn't invite them to their birthday. The apparent emotion is anger, but if they go deeper, they'll probably discover that underneath there's sadness: it hurts to find that the friendship wasn't worth what they expected.
4. Don't judge how you feel
Emotions have a function: to inform you. Fear warns you that you may not have the resources for what you're facing; anger, that your rights have been violated; sadness, that you've lost something valuable; joy, that something is worth repeating. They aren't "good" or "bad": they're data about yourself.
5. Discover the message of your body language
If you find it hard to identify what you feel, your body offers clues: crossing your arms when you start to feel attacked, flushing with anger, feeling pressure in the chest with sadness. Finding those physical patterns lets you detect emotions much earlier.
6. Control what you think in order to control how you act
Feelings are the result of the emotion plus what you think about it. You can't avoid the emotion, but you can modify the thought accompanying it. And for difficult moments, some evidence-backed emergency techniques: splashing your face with cold water reduces arousal; avoid caffeine, which increases nervousness; exercise, which lowers anxiety; and sleep enough, because lack of sleep makes you more irritable.
7. Look for other people's why
The usual mistake is judging only someone's reaction, ignoring everything behind it. Get into the habit of asking yourself what emotion that person might be feeling: if they insult you, might they be afraid? When you adopt this habit, it becomes much harder to get angry, because you understand that almost everyone has reasons for doing what they do.
8. Keep an emotion journal
Writing your emotions works. Studies on expressive writing, initiated by James Pennebaker, show clear benefits for well-being, and Matthew Lieberman's affect labeling techniques indicate that putting emotions into words reduces activity in the amygdala, responsible for their intensity. The effect appears to be even greater when writing by hand.
9. Express your emotions assertively
Once you identify them, communicate them without adverse effects using a simple formula: "I feel X (emotion) when Y happens (a concrete behavior)", and finish by expressing what you need. Describe behaviors, not intentions, and avoid sentences beginning with "You…" followed by a judgment. Example: "I feel undervalued because I've gone five years without a raise despite my dedication".
10. Turn it all into practical behaviors
Don't try to learn everything at once. Translate each intention into a concrete action. If you're worried about not paying attention to people, the practical behavior is "turn off my phone every time I have a conversation". Repeating that behavior creates, through neural plasticity, a new habit. And you can reinforce it with visualization: imagining yourself doing it activates circuits similar to those of the real action, just as athletes mentally rehearse their event.
Conclusion
Emotional intelligence isn't a gift reserved for a few or a universal remedy, but it is a competency that can be trained at any age with the right techniques and some consistency. Identifying what you feel, naming it precisely, understanding its function and expressing it assertively are concrete steps that improve both your relationship with yourself and your bonds with others.
References
- Salovey, P., & Mayer, J. D. (1990). Emotional intelligence. Imagination, Cognition and Personality, 9(3).
- Goleman, D. (1995). Emotional Intelligence. Bantam Books.
- Pennebaker, J. W. (1997). Writing about emotional experiences as a therapeutic process. Psychological Science, 8(3).
- Lieberman, M. D., et al. (2007). Putting feelings into words. Psychological Science, 18(5).