How to Use Humor in Your Conversations
Introduction
Humor is one of the most valued attributes in relationships, on a par with generosity or attractiveness. It's associated with intelligence and warmth, and it has the power to minimize other flaws: almost anything is forgiven more easily with a smile. The good news is that being funny isn't a magical gift reserved for a few; it's, to a large extent, a skill you train. This article explains why humor works so well, the principles it rests on and concrete formulas for bringing it into your conversations.
Why humor is so powerful
The classical masters of rhetoric, such as Cicero and Quintilian, already advised the judicious use of humor. Science backs them up. These are some of its advantages:
- It breaks the ice. At the start of any encounter there's a certain tension; a note of humor dissolves it. Primatologist Jane Goodall, for example, opens her talks by imitating a chimpanzee greeting, and with that she already has the audience won over.
- It creates connection. Laughing together presupposes a shared outlook, and that brings people closer. A communicator who uses humor well comes across as more approachable.
- It attracts and holds attention. Laughter releases dopamine, a neurotransmitter associated with pleasure, which makes any message more engaging. That's why long ceremonies like the Oscars are hosted by professional comedians.
- It reinforces memory. It's well documented that we remember better what makes us laugh, as long as the funny element is tied to the important message and doesn't eclipse it.
- It persuades more. A good part of award-winning advertising incorporates humor, and research suggests that a funny message is more persuasive, partly because it activates a more emotional processing route.
- It softens difficult messages. A criticism, bad news or an awkward reminder hurt less wrapped in humor.
- It improves the image of whoever uses it. In educational settings, a good sense of humor is one of the most valued qualities in a teacher. That said: it only works if the humor is effective; if it's perceived as forced or offensive, the effect is the opposite.
The principles of humor
Before the formulas, four principles without which no technique works:
- It all starts with your emotional state. When you're relaxed and secure you stop filtering and more ideas occur to you. When you're nervous, by contrast, you freeze. There's no trick that replaces calm.
- Start with what makes you laugh. Naturalness is key. Trying to imitate a style that isn't yours usually produces unfortunate comments. Become a specialist in your own style, whether that's irony, absurdity or storytelling.
- The origin of humor is spontaneous creativity. It consists of saying the least expected thing at the right moment, finding links between ideas nobody had anticipated. It's trained by relaxing, broadening your cultural range and practicing.
- Accept that you won't always be funny. Taste in humor is highly personal; you'll never please everyone, and that happens even to professional comedians. If you learn not to depend on the outcome, you'll keep looking for the funny side without fear. And when you catch yourself trying too hard, ease off: there's nothing sadder than someone dragging out a joke that's no longer funny.
10 formulas for being funnier
1. Look for unexpected connections. Wit consists of joining two concepts in a surprising way. "How do you get an elephant out of a swimming pool? Wet." The play on double meanings produces a pleasurable response in the brain. 2. Observe yourself as a spectator. Every so often, look at the conversation from outside. If you've both sat down in the same posture or are overusing a filler word, point it out with a smile. 3. Laugh at yourself. It's the simplest and safest way to start. The more you laugh at yourself, the less people laugh at you, because you show it doesn't affect you, and you become more approachable. Think of a speaker who, while talking about a weight-loss product, grabs his own belly and says "I don't need it, obviously"; the irony gets the laugh. 4. Exaggerate disproportionately. Against flat communication, exaggerate so much that it's obvious: "I saw a dog so big that the owner waited outside while the dog went in to buy the bread". 5. Use metaphors and comparisons. "I'm a vet for humans" (a doctor) or "that film felt longer than moving house". Add a twist: not "you eat like a lion", but "like a lion coming off a hunger strike". 6. Pose absurd hypotheses. "If planes have life jackets, why don't boats have parachutes?" Impossible hypotheses create unexpected associations and present you as someone curious. 7. Exaggerate your body language and play the characters. Telling a story by voicing its protagonists adds emotion. And after a comment, laughing yourself (by contagion) or pulling a surprised face (by contrast) multiplies its effect. 8. Pace yourself and speak more slowly. If you joke nonstop, you tire people out. Better to stay composed and surprise from time to time. As Shakespeare said, brevity is the soul of wit: speak at a slightly more measured pace and use pauses. 9. Apply the rule of three. List two elements that create a pattern and break the third with something absurd. The mind anticipates the series and the final twist surprises it. 10. Find the funny side of not being funny. If a comment falls flat, take the weight off it by laughing about it: "Well, I think I've got the wrong audience" or "this was funnier in my head".
Humor as life's shock absorber
Beyond conversations, humor is one of the best ways to take everyday knocks: the lost suitcase, the flat tire, the jammed door. They're annoyances, yes, but also the best material for comedy. Think of someone whose luggage doesn't appear at midnight after a long flight: they can fall apart, or they can start photographing the chaos as if it were a Marx Brothers film, until the laughter dispels the anger. The trick is gaining distance: seeing yourself as the protagonist of a scene, watching yourself from the audience. That's why we usually laugh at our own misfortunes after some time has passed; with humor, that perspective can be brought forward. As Henry Ward Beecher summed it up: "a person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs: jolted by every pebble in the road".
And for getting through mishaps when speaking in public
If you're giving a talk and something interrupts it, acknowledging the problem with humor saves the moment. Some prepared resources: if someone comes in late, "for some people what matters is punctuality; for us, the welcome: a round of applause for the new arrivals"; if the lights go out, "someone let them know I already paid the bill"; if a phone rings, "please tell that person I can't come to the phone right now".
Conclusion
Humor breaks the ice, creates connection, captures attention, reinforces memory and persuades, but above all it makes life more enjoyable. You don't need to be a comedian or tell jokes: it's enough to relax, train a creative eye and dare to say the unexpected at the right moment. The more humor you listen to and practice, the more ideas will occur to you and the better you'll choose when to use them. And the more people enjoy themselves in your presence, the more they'll want to be around you.
References
- McGraw, A. P., & Warren, C. (2010). Benign violations: Making immoral behavior funny. Psychological Science, 21(8).
- Schmidt, S. R. (1994). Effects of humor on sentence memory. Journal of Experimental Psychology: Learning, Memory, and Cognition, 20(4).
- Eisend, M. (2009). A meta-analysis of humor in advertising. Journal of the Academy of Marketing Science, 37(2).