How to Win Someone Over: Techniques and Lines That Work (According to Science)
Introduction
There's great controversy about the best way to win someone over. With a witty compliment? By playing it cool? By getting straight to the point? The problem with nearly all the advice going around is that it rests only on the experience of whoever gives it, as if what works for one person worked for everyone.
The psychology of seduction offers a firmer base, and its conclusion can be summed up in one word: honesty. It sounds simple, but it has nuances. This article explains how to use honesty to connect, ten concrete techniques and what the research says about different types of opening lines.
First, understand the fear of rejection
If you're like most people, you probably don't even dare approach the person who attracts you. You'd rather stay with the doubt than risk your self-esteem. Behind it is the same old mistake: taking rejection personally.
But people have a thousand reasons to reject you that have nothing to do with you: they may have a partner, be starting to see someone, have had a bad day or be reminded of their ex. It's like hanging up on a salesperson who calls you: you aren't rejecting them as a person, you're rejecting their offer at that moment. Nobody can reject you for who you are if they don't yet know what you can offer.
And the fear, moreover, doesn't go away: you act in spite of it. Don't wait to feel confident before taking the first step, just as you didn't wait to feel confident before getting on a bike for the first time. Assume the fear will be there and act anyway.
Why honesty works
Honesty is scarce. We're used to prefabricated lines and to hiding what we think, so being honest sets you apart immediately: nobody expects it. It isn't infallible — you'll be turned down anyway — but it raises your odds because it generates empathy and positive emotions. And before applying any technique, be clear about what makes you special: we're drawn to people with passions, so don't hesitate to talk about yours.
10 techniques for winning someone over based on honesty
1. Offer a reason. The mind, when it doesn't know the reason for something, invents one. If you only say "what's your name?", the other person may imagine you ask everyone the same. Give the reason: "I couldn't help noticing your eyes and I felt like getting to know you. What's your name?". 2. Qualify your interest. Showing interest isn't lowering yourself, as long as it doesn't look like you'd "buy at any price". Add an objective: "…I felt like getting to know you to see whether you're also funny". That places you in a position that's also evaluating. 3. Open up. Revealing personal information (neither too much nor too soon) lets the other person know you and, through reciprocity, opens them up. Superficial conversations create no bond. 4. Ask "why". Instead of trading facts ("I'm an engineer" / "I'm a lawyer"), ask the reason: "And why did you choose engineering?". A thousand topics open up and the conversation gains depth. 5. Find similarities. Believing you're alike generates attraction, and the coincidence doesn't have to be important: vacationing in the same town or sharing musical taste is enough. Look for them and make them explicit. 6. Spread positive emotions. If you smile and convey good spirits, the other person will associate that well-being with you. Use positive emotional verbs: "it excites me", "I really enjoy it when…". 7. Laugh at yourself or at the situation. Self-directed humor communicates that you're relaxed and have nothing to hide, and it avoids the risk of a joke about the other person landing badly. If you go blank, joke about it: "Do you realize I've run out of words? Actually I do it to see whether you're paying attention". 8. Touch subtly. Physical contact consolidates attraction. Initiate a light, natural touch on the upper arm as early as possible; the longer you wait, the more forced it will seem later. But without overdoing it: there's a fine line between pleasant and bothersome. 9. Propose a concrete plan. Asking for "your number" flatly conveys the implicit message of "formal date" and can create tension. Better to give it a reason: "What if we exchange numbers and continue this conversation over the best mojitos in town? I know a place you'll love". 10. Accept rejection as part of the game. You'll only win people over if you're also turned down sometimes; there's no other way. The key is raising the odds, not eliminating the risk.
The science of opening lines
Yes, there are researchers who study this. The results are worth taking with perspective (many are based on surveys), but they offer useful clues. First impressions weigh heavily: we decide whether someone attracts us in the first few seconds, and the first lines act as a filter that reveals your personality. Studies usually distinguish three types of openers:
- Witty, sexually charged pickup lines ("Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?"). They're the worst rated, especially by women, because they're associated with little honesty. They tend to work only with very extroverted people looking for something casual. Don't confuse them with humor: culture and wit are attractive.
- Indirect questions (asking for a recommendation, an opinion). They minimize the risk of rejection and are best rated by women looking for a stable relationship, but they require more work afterward to move the conversation onto romantic ground. They work less well with men, who tend to interpret the absence of a clear signal as disinterest.
- Direct introduction ("Hi, I had to work up the nerve to come and meet you. What's your name?"). It exposes you most, but the evidence suggests it tends to be the most effective overall: it removes uncertainty and conveys confidence. When it's the woman taking the initiative, studies suggest the direct option ("Hi, do you feel like grabbing a drink?") is especially effective, because men find subtle signals hard to read.
Conclusion
There's no magic line: what works best depends on your character, your intentions and, above all, the person in front of you. But if you're going to keep one evidence-backed recommendation, it's this: state your interest honestly, qualifying it, opening up and spreading good spirits. You'll come across as authentic and different, and that's extremely attractive.
References
- Bale, C., Morrison, R., & Caryl, P. G. (2006). Chat-up lines as male sexual displays. Personality and Individual Differences, 40(4).
- Cooper, M., et al. (2007). Openers and opening gambits in courtship. Personal Relationships.
- Clark, R. D., & Hatfield, E. (1989). Gender differences in receptivity to sexual offers. Journal of Psychology & Human Sexuality, 2(1).