The Science of Attraction: What Makes Us Attractive
Introduction
Why do we feel an immediate attraction to one person and none at all to another? For a long time it's been treated as a mystery, but psychology, sociology and evolutionary biology have studied the question in detail. The reassuring conclusion is that attraction isn't only a matter of fortunate genetics: there are factors anyone can cultivate. This article reviews what science knows about what makes us attractive.
The three big factors
Research on attraction usually groups its causes into three blocks:
- Physical attractiveness. It's real, but its weight is overestimated. Traits like facial symmetry, certain body proportions, health and personal grooming have an influence because the brain unconsciously associates them with vitality. The good news: hygiene, rest, fitness and the way you dress are in your hands, and they weigh more than "perfect" features.
- Personality. We tend to feel attracted to people similar to us in values, interests and goals. This is one of the most solid findings in social psychology, documented since Donn Byrne's classic work on similarity and attraction.
- Behavior. Confidence, sociability and genuine interest in the other person are attractive. And here an important nuance is in order, which we'll come to shortly: you don't need to feel confident to behave with openness.
Similarity: the more things in common, the better
A surprising finding from social psychology is that, for generating attraction, the number of similarities matters more than their importance. Two people who discover ten small coincidences (the same music, the same vacation town, the same childhood TV show) feel more attracted than two who share a single major value. That's why, when meeting someone, looking for and pointing out every point in common — however trivial it seems — builds connection.
Familiarity and opening up
The more we know someone, the more attracted to them we tend to be. On one hand there's the mere exposure effect, described by Robert Zajonc: we tend to prefer what feels familiar. On the other, self-disclosure: sharing personal information, little by little, lets the other person know us and, through reciprocity, opens them up too. Superficial conversations bore; the ones that go deeper create a bond. Psychologist Arthur Aron showed that a progressive exchange of personal questions could generate closeness between strangers in barely forty-five minutes.
The contagion of positive emotions
Emotions are contagious. If you convey good spirits while talking, the other person will feel better and associate that well-being with you. It's almost a social superpower: you can change the emotional state of the person in front of you. Get into the habit of speaking from positive emotions ("it excites me", "I really enjoy it when…") and of bringing in some humor, especially the self-deprecating kind, which communicates that you have nothing to hide.
One clarification is in order: attraction is also influenced by the body's state of arousal. In Dutton and Aron's classic suspension bridge study (1974), people who crossed a frightening bridge attributed part of that physiological arousal to attraction toward the person they met on the other side. Shared emotion — an intense, fun or novel experience — feeds attraction.
Confidence isn't a prerequisite
One of the most widespread myths is that you have to feel confident before approaching someone. It's the other way round. You can't feel confident before doing something that intimidates you; confidence arrives after doing it, just as when learning to ride a bike. Waiting to "be ready" is waiting forever.
And since rejection is possible in any interaction, it helps to remember two things: fear is normal and doesn't go away — you act in spite of it — and most of the time a rejection has nothing to do with you, but with the other person's timing, mood or circumstances. Nobody can reject "you" if they don't yet know what you have to offer.
What you can offer
Cold as it sounds, when we meet someone we unconsciously ask what that person brings us: fun, knowledge, calm, adventure, connection. It's worth reflecting on what makes you special, because communicating it naturally in conversation increases your appeal. And a useful clue: we're drawn to people with a passion for something. What makes us unique generates interest; the routine bores. Talk about what you're passionate about and take an interest in the other person's passions.
Conclusion
Attraction isn't a guarantee or a mathematical formula, but it isn't pure luck either. Taking care of your presence, looking for things in common, opening up little by little, spreading positive emotions and daring to act despite fear tilt the balance in your favor. Above all, authenticity — showing yourself as you are, with your passions — is what's genuinely magnetic.
References
- Byrne, D. (1971). The Attraction Paradigm. Academic Press.
- Zajonc, R. B. (1968). Attitudinal effects of mere exposure. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 9(2).
- Dutton, D. G., & Aron, A. P. (1974). Some evidence for heightened sexual attraction under conditions of high anxiety. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 30(4).
- Aron, A., et al. (1997). The experimental generation of interpersonal closeness. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 23(4).