Self-Assertiveness: The Courage to Be True to Yourself
Introduction
We usually talk about assertiveness as the ability to express what we think and need in front of others. But there's a more intimate and prior form: self-assertiveness, which is the capacity to live and act according to your own values and desires, instead of repressing them out of fear of criticism or rejection. It's less about standing up to others than about not betraying yourself.
Many capable, good people live a reduced version of themselves: they keep quiet about what they think, do what they don't want to do and postpone what they dream of, so as not to inconvenience anyone. This article explains what self-assertiveness is, why it's lost and how to recover it.
What it is (and isn't)
Being self-assertive means thinking for yourself, consciously choosing what you want and acting accordingly, even when that sometimes clashes with what's expected of you. It's letting your way of being show without trimming: giving your opinion, asking for what you want, defending your rights, expressing what you feel, allowing yourself to disagree and to say no.
It's worth clarifying what it is not. Self-assertiveness isn't:
- Contradicting people as a matter of course or being different just to stand out.
- Always telling everyone everything you think, without filter or tact.
- Acting with aggression or contempt toward others.
It's rather a calm loyalty toward yourself: choosing your own path instead of living the one others wrote for you.
Why we lose it
Almost nobody is born without self-assertiveness; it gets lost. As children we learn, through a thousand small experiences, that what we thought or wanted "wasn't important": an idea of our own ridiculed, an emotion punished, an initiative repressed. Little by little we internalize that it's safer to adapt than to express.
The problem is that every time you betray yourself — keeping quiet about what you think, accepting what you don't want — your self-esteem takes a hit. You end up believing yourself incapable and building a life tailored to others, not to you. The good news: since it's learned, it can be unlearned.
How to recover it, step by step
1. Recognize that you have the right to be you
The first change is one of belief. Do you think there are people who don't have the right to have opinions, desires or to pursue their dreams? Surely not. So why do you give up that right out of fear? Your ideas, your needs and your values are as legitimate as anyone else's.
2. Reconnect with what you really want
After years of putting yourself second, it's easy to have lost touch with your own desires. Spend a few minutes a day reviewing your day: at what moments did you not act as you wanted? what did you leave unsaid? what did you do without wanting to? Identifying those moments, without blaming yourself, is the map for knowing where you're abandoning yourself.
3. Act by your own rules, one step at a time
Self-assertiveness is trained by practicing it. Don't wait until you feel strong enough: start with small situations and work up. Say that opinion you were going to keep quiet. Ask for what you needed. Decline that invitation you don't feel like accepting. Every act of authenticity, however small, reinforces your confidence and makes the next one easier.
And mind the form: look people in the eye, keep a relaxed and upright posture, speak calmly and clearly. If you don't know what to answer in the moment, take your time; a good answer a bit later beats a rushed one.
The price (that's worth paying)
Being true to yourself has a cost: not everyone will like you. Authenticity generates a certain resistance, because it makes uncomfortable those who have settled for living compliantly. There will be criticism and some rejection. But it's a small price compared with the alternative: a life comfortable on the outside and false on the inside. The people who allow themselves to be authentic are also the ones who most enjoy their lives.
Conclusion
Self-assertiveness isn't a character trait reserved for the brave: it's a skill you recover by deciding, over and over, not to betray yourself. Recognize your right to be you, reconnect with what you want and act accordingly, starting small. Every time you choose authenticity over approval, you don't only gain coherence: you recover the self-esteem you lost by keeping quiet. And there's no greater satisfaction than finally living your own life.
References
- Branden, N. (1994). The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem. Bantam.
- Alberti, R. E., & Emmons, M. L. (2017). Your Perfect Right: Assertiveness and Equality in Your Life and Relationships. Impact Publishers.
- Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2017). Self-Determination Theory: Basic Psychological Needs in Motivation, Development, and Wellness. Guilford Press.