What Assertiveness Is and How to Be More Assertive
Introduction
Someone cuts in line for the bus and you get angry, but you say nothing. A friend asks you a favor that's terribly inconvenient and you accept so as not to bother them. You've deserved a raise for months and you don't dare bring it up with your boss. We passively accept these situations while losing respect for ourselves… until one day we explode, with even worse consequences.
There's a third way, more effective than passivity and than aggression: assertiveness. This article explains what it is, why we sometimes find it so hard, ten techniques for mastering it and a formula for building the perfect assertive message.
What assertiveness is
Assertiveness is a form of communication that consists of defending your rights and expressing your opinions honestly, without falling into aggression or passivity, respecting others but, above all, respecting your own needs. Put another way: saying what you think while controlling the message so it's neither weak nor hostile.
It's a skill that's learned and rests on self-esteem. It won't solve all your problems and won't be appropriate in every context, but it will make you feel freer: when you say what you want — whether you get it or not — you live more authentically.
Why being assertive is sometimes hard
- Low self-esteem. It's a vicious circle: when you don't defend your rights, you feel less valuable, and that makes you even less assertive. By not expressing your limits, you invite others to treat you that way.
- Stereotypes and roles. Many social roles reward submission, and we tend to pressure ourselves to fit the expected part (almost all of us are less assertive with the CEO than with a colleague at the next desk).
- Stress and nerves. Under pressure we react without thinking, swinging between aggression and resignation.
- The upbringing we received. Many of us were taught not to contradict, always to put others first and to keep quiet when we didn't like something. We learn by imitating our environment.
The first step toward improving is recognizing where your way of reacting comes from.
10 keys for being more assertive
1. Replace your negative thoughts. Change "I'm a bad friend for not lending money" to "I deserve to be respected and I can't lend to someone who never pays me back". 2. Assume nobody can read your mind. A classic mistake of the passive profile is assuming others already know what bothers you or what you expect. They don't. Don't use it as an excuse not to take the step. 3. Defend "your" truth, not "the" truth. Speak from your experience. That legitimizes you to express yourself and, at the same time, obliges you to listen to the other person's truth. 4. Be clear about your goal and don't lose sight of it. Before a difficult conversation, define exactly what you want (a raise or a more motivating project?). In the middle of the tension, remember that your goal isn't to win the argument, but to get what you came for. 5. Be as concrete as possible. Don't ask for "a sandwich" when you want a specific one. A conversation whose only purpose is to express anger leads nowhere. 6. Talk about facts, not judgments. "Your document has typos and the formatting changes on every page" (fact) instead of "your document is a mess" (judgment). That way the other person doesn't feel attacked before you begin. 7. Add reasons to what you ask for. Giving a reason reduces the chances of refusal: "I'd like a 15% raise because that would put me at the industry average". And if you're declining something, you can offer an alternative. 8. Speak from "I", not from "you". "I feel upset about how you treated me" instead of "you treated me terribly". You center the message on your feeling, which nobody can dispute, rather than on the accusation. 9. Spread your emotions. "I" messages are hard to refute because they're followed by an emotion, and emotions are contagious: by expressing what you feel, the other person empathizes. "I feel let down every time you promise me something and don't follow through" works far better than "you never follow through". 10. Mind your body language. A calm, upright posture conveys confidence, and calm is contagious too. Adopting a firm, open posture for a few minutes before a difficult conversation helps you face it with more poise.
The perfect assertive message: four stages
For maximum effectiveness, structure your message in four phases:
1. The facts. Describe the other person's concrete behavior, without judgments. 2. Your feelings. Explain how that behavior makes you feel, from yourself and calmly. 3. The consequences. Describe what happens if that behavior continues. 4. The solution. Clearly ask for the concrete change you expect.
Example: "You often deliver projects late (fact), which bothers me (feeling) because it gives the impression that the department is disorganized (consequence). I'm asking you to be punctual with deliveries from now on (solution)."
A deeper approach: needs, not reproaches
There's an even more powerful version of assertiveness, psychologist Marshall Rosenberg's nonviolent communication, which starts from an idea of empathy: behind every act there's an unmet need. His formula has four steps:
- Observe without judging. "You weren't in front of me before" opens dialogue; "you're rude" closes it.
- Take responsibility for your feelings. Of the information you receive and what you think, the only indisputable thing is what you feel. Say "I don't feel understood" instead of "you don't understand me".
- Identify your need. Feelings aren't caused by other people's acts, but by your needs. If you feel lonely, you need affection; if it angers you that someone takes credit for your work, you need recognition. And when you don't understand someone, ask yourself what unmet need lies behind their reaction.
- Make a concrete request. Say what you do want, in the form of a question and without turning it into a demand: "Would you mind mentioning my contributions the next time you present the project?". Asking convinces more than ordering.
Start from the bottom
As when learning to ride a bike, practice first in low-risk situations — asking to change tables at a restaurant — before facing the hard ones, like negotiating a salary or turning down a favor. There will be times when you don't succeed; that's normal. What distinguishes people with more confidence isn't that they don't feel fear of rejection, but how they react to it. And remember: the more you respect yourself, the more others will respect you. That, at bottom, is the real goal of assertiveness.
References
- Rosenberg, M. B. (2003). Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. PuddleDancer Press.
- Alberti, R. E., & Emmons, M. L. (2017). Your Perfect Right: Assertiveness and Equality in Your Life and Relationships. Impact Publishers.
- Ames, D. R. (2008). Assertiveness expectancies: How hard people push depends on the consequences they predict. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 95(6).
- Forner Navarro, P. (2018). Dirige tu vida. Editorial Planeta. (Frames assertiveness as the balance between respecting your needs and those of the other person, neither submitting nor attacking.)